You see the smile upon my face

It doesn’t match my mind

I wish I could just run away

Disappear and hide

I see you going on with your day

My mind is consumed by food

I see you laughing with our friends

I’m lying to them too

Here’s an honest account of what it’s like

What I really go through

Instead of living life as a teen

I count calories obsessively

Of course not everyone in the same

But I can’t rid the voice in my brain

The one that tells me I’m fat and ugly

That I’m worthless and undeserving

You think I’m being selfish and vain

When I’m not at all self serving

I know I seem disinterested

In what you have to say

And please accept my apologies

I just can’t concentrate today

I cannot eat in front of you

But please don’t question me

Everything else was out of control

Now this is controlling me

The voice inside started off as a friend

It gave me some control

When everything else in life

Was falling into a hole

I didn’t plan for this to happen

Nor do I want it still

But I cannot seem to bring myself

To go back to “normal” again

I used to not like baggy clothes

But they keep me warmer now

I feel so weak, so beaten down

Can I even get through somehow?

And if i do, will I still hate me?

Do others see what I see?

Hair is thinning, I cannot get up

I’m told i’m wasting away

But every day I lose a pound

It’s another achievement that day

It’s not even that it’s all about

Losing weight, you see

For most of us it’s about control

But now it’s controlling me

It started being the only thing

I felt I had power over

And now it’s turned around on me

It’s worse as I get older

It’s not about some beauty competition

To out do everyone around

It’s about feeling comfortable

In myself, in my surround

And half the battle is never wanting

To take part in recovery

Because each day I eat

I end up hating that bit more of me

It’s a constant battle

And one I’d not wish on anyone I know

It’s hell, it’s hate, I can’t concentrate

But I really need you to know

If you’re going through this battle within yourself

And each day you’re self loathing, not giving yourself a rest

Please know there is help out there to get you through all this

And although some never fully recover, you can get help to live to life you wish

It’s painful, it hurts

Yet, somehow becomes addictive

To feel that way and know that I

Took control of something that day

For there’s so many things that you won’t understand

Unless you’ve been in our place

So please don’t be quick to judge

When you see the smile on my face